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Yesterday, 03:51 PM
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#1 (permalink)
Member
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Location: kelowna bc
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help.
My boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years. We live together and love each other dearly. In the past year, we have been through so much. we lost a pregnancy, i met my birth mother for the first time and it was awful, and I lost my grandfather, all in about three months. Since all of these events i have leaned on him for support, and he never hesitated to give it to me. Over the past year we have had only (from what I knew) small issues with his drinking. Occasionally he would drink too much and a second head would pop out of his shoulder and freak out on me and leave. He never once hit me. he agreed to quit drinking for the sake of our relationship but neither of us ever felt he was an alcoholic, just to stressed to handle alcohol intake. So eventually we ordered drinks with dinner, or he bought a six pack, and things were fine. Until recently. He was working so hard to support us both, on top of his monday to friday day job, he worked two side jobs renovating kitchens. He literally did not take a day off for 4 months. and one day his full time job required him to work a night shift. To make a long story short, before leaving the house at 6pm it it was obvious to me that he was intoxicated. after being gone for one hour, he returned home and was clearly drunk. after he become emotional, and angry i convinced him to go to bed, and quit this job to take care of himself. The next three days were long. He was drunk most of the time, and on the third day after his binge he had been drinking since 9am when i left for school. He was horrible to me when I came home, and eventually I got him to pass out. The next day he was very apologetic and agreed to go to counseling. We went too two sessions in two weeks and it appeared to of done a lot of good.
I drank with him again. And then in the next few days it was obvious to me he was hiding a bottle in his truck and drinking when he went to "grab something" or have a smoke. I was so fed up. It was the third day of another three day binge. I confronted him, he lied, and i asked him to leave.
Then he attacked me. Out of no where. He kicked me, he choked me, he bit me, he punched me in the head, and I called the police who escorted him away from our house.
I did not hear from him again until the next morning, when he showed up while i was having he locks changed.
He grabbed me to hug me, and I was terrified of him. He told me he had little to no memory of the previous evening and asked me what happened. I showed him a bruise on my arm and he threw up. He told me he was an alcoholc and had infact been drinking everyday behind my back for nearly one year. He shakes when he doesnt drink, and he just looked at me and said "i am sick and i need help". while i was sympathetic, i was in shock and still hurt by being beat up.
I called and begged him to come back, but he said he couldn't, he was too embarrassed and needed to go get better. he went to his grandparents farm and i did not hear from him for two days.
in those two days i realized that I missed him dearly. And loved him more. How do you throw away someone for being sick? After all the support he gave me? After he admitted to a problem and clearly hit bottom?
We talked and over a few days agreed that this is what we both want. For him to get better, for me to move on from the last year of hell.
But he wont be moving back in right away, he is currently on his grandparents farm with his mom and uncle, detoxing. Today is day five.
I'm wondering what the chances of him healing are? If I am helping or hurting his recovery? What can I expect during the rest of detox? How do I support him while feeling insecure? Where does the trust for this process come from?
What do I do now?
Thanks..
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Yesterday, 04:03 PM
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#2 (permalink)
Member
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Location: Somewhere Out There
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Hi, anastasia. Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Many of us have been where you are.
You have posted on a forum that doesn't get a lot of traffic. I suggest you post this on our Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum. You will receive a lot of good support. You aren't alone, anastasia. Here's a link to the F&F Forum...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
__________________ We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words.
- Anna Sewell -
So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key.
- The Eagles
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Yesterday, 04:23 PM
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#3 (permalink)
?Witty Wacko? Wellness Member
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 6,985
Welcome to SR.
Quote:
Then he attacked me. Out of no where. He kicked me, he choked me, he bit me, he punched me in the head,
That is a surprisingly brutal assault you suffered. For me, that is a deal breaker. Were you hospitalized, suffer any serious hurt? I think you might look into seeing a counselor or therapist qualify in violence against women. You might look out for PTSD symptoms.
Violence Against Women | womenshealth.gov has important information.
There is a Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum here at SR, that if you copy and paste your post there, you will get more assistance for the situation your in.
__________________ My ? Name ? Is ? Will G ? ?
"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." -Gerry Spence
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Yesterday, 04:27 PM
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#4 (permalink)
SR Moderator
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Seas
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Hi and welcome anastasia
I took the liberty of moving your thread. You have some great advice here already and I know you'll find a lot more in this forum.
Please make your safety your #1 priority - look after your well being.
D
__________________ Standing still is the fastest way of moving backwards in a rapidly changing world. Lauren Bacall
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Yesterday, 04:27 PM
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#5 (permalink)
Administrator
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Location: Dancing in the Light
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Wow, I am so sorry for what happened to you and I so hope that you seek support for yourself - a therapist or AlAnon could be helpful. I don't believe that a person is ever violent just one time. It will happen again. He has lied to you for over a year about his behavior and he violently attacked you. My advice is to focus on helping yourself right now and allow your boyfriend to do what he is doing.
__________________
And I dont know what the future is holding in store
I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end.
John Denver
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Yesterday, 05:07 PM
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#6 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 46
Quote:
Then he attacked me. Out of no where. He kicked me, he choked me, he bit me, he punched me in the head, and I called the police who escorted him away from our house.
.....
I called and begged him to come back.... i realized that I missed him dearly. And loved him more.
....
What do I do now?
Think very carefully about what you are willing to put up with in order to stay close with this guy.
You seem to have decided that you will accept kicking, choking, biting and punching.
Will you also accept broken bones? Scarring and disfigurement? Permanent disability? Brain damage? Death?
What's your limit? How much more are you prepared to take? At what point do his actions become totally unacceptable to you?
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Yesterday, 05:15 PM
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#7 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 293
Quote:
Then he attacked me. Out of no where. He kicked me, he choked me, he bit me, he punched me in the head
What do I do now?
You leave him and establish no contact. __________________ I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming.
~Katherine Mansfield
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Yesterday, 05:49 PM
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#9 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 78
The Normal human response to being attacked is to be afraid of the person, or angry, or at least to not trust them in any way.
Every relationship is different. Every addict is different. But in my experience, sympathy is not helpful to an addict's recovery. You'll just turn yourself into a nurse. Well, to be fair, a nurse, a lover, a mother, a therapist, drill sargeant and the Police. It's not a fun role and it will exhaust you.
It also does nothing for the addict who needs to put hard, non-stop never-ending discipline and self-effort into his recovery. And because it's also a painful physical/psychological addiction, the addict will do just about anything to avoid that. He can overcome it, but if you get to close, he'll manipulate you.
Al-anon suggests detachment. Which sounds cruel, but is the only way he'll have the focus to devote himself to the long road on recovery. Like I said, grueling, daily (sometimes hourly, minute-ly) discipline to keep the mind from exploiting its own weaknesses.
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Yesterday, 06:14 PM
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#10 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: kelowna bc
Posts: 7
wow. thank you all.
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Yesterday, 06:40 PM
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#11 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: kelowna bc
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Quote:
The Normal human response to being attacked is to be afraid of the person, or angry, or at least to not trust them in any way.
Sadly, my urge to return to him is completely normal. Not only do most women not seek support once they face violence, a lot of them continue the relationship exactly as it is. I am insisting changes happen, and wanting to see if we can see this through... What makes this whole thing even harder to swallow is that I am a social work student, and volunteer in the court system offering emotional and legal support to women exploited by violence or sexual abuse.
I have already seen, and will continue to see a counselor.
My boyfriend has moved out. and will not be moving back into this house. nor will he be sleeping over, sleeping with me, I dont even plan to speak with him very often right now. I realize i have a lot of work to do.
i can't bring myself to do what it is you all think I should. I know it sounds like suicide to want to continue the relationship. but that's what my heart wants or believes
I want to try. I want to help him with his alcohol problem and what I need help with is how to support him through detox.
is there any advice out there about how to support him? i'm open and it wont hurt my feelings if someone wants to tell my im ******* psycho. But some real advice on how to support him, and be sure hes following through would be appreciated.
A
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Yesterday, 06:41 PM
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#12 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
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And also, unless you are a substance abuse counselor, you might not be able to see all of the manipulations or understand how long-term drug abuse can distort one's sense of reality/morality. You have to have the strength of a rock and be VERY well-informed to offer the right kind of support to someone detaching from drugs. I frankly don't think it's a good idea for one person to take it on nor do I think the addict should be in a relationship while he is re-learning how to live.
The kindest and most sympathetic thing to do for him is to leave.
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Yesterday, 06:55 PM
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#13 (permalink)
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,055
Anastasia, I understand exactly what you are asking and you are not going to like what I have to say. But if you stick around these boards a little while, you may come to understand it. Plainly, you cannot help or support someone in recovery, nor can you be sure he is following through. "Support" in the mind of a codependent is actually Enabling. You cannot know for sure what anyone else is doing, unless you handcuff yourself to that person for the rest of your life.
I have learned, through many, too many, relationships with addicts and alcoholics that if you truly love the person, and you want to help them, you will turn your back on them and let them go.
Anastasia, when someone finally shows you who they are, BELIEVE them.
Let go, hon, and let God.
__________________ God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Peace out.
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Yesterday, 06:57 PM
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#14 (permalink)
peaceful seabird
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,120
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but I am glad you found us. This is a wonderful resource of support and information.
When I first came to SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands addiction to alcohol:
I did not Cause it
I can't Control it
I wouldn't Cure it
It took a long while for me to accept that concept. I was sure he needed me to help him understand that alcohol was not the answer. With help from SR, Alanon and self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" I was finally able to give the addiction to the other adult in the relationship. His addiction = His Recovery.
I kept myself stuck in a cycle of wanting to believe he could change and "this time will be different". In a sense, it was different each time - it got worse. You see, alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse.
I also kept myself stuck in remembering how great he could be, if he would just change. I remembered how he was when we first met, and refused to accept the reality of who he had become. I think your boyfriend has just shown you who he really is today (who he is now). Looking at how he was or could be is magical thinking. It will keep you stuck.
I know you remember how he supported you in your times of need, and that is a wonderful part of having a relationship with someone we love/trust. That is part of a normal healthy relationship. Now you have someone who has been living a lie the past year. Now you have someone who has become violent. Now you have someone who is not normal or healthy.
The best source of support for him at this point is the help of trained professionals (addiction specialist) or other recovering alcoholics with more time in recovery who can guide him along the way. Professionals and other recovering alcoholics will know when he is lying and manipulating and they can call him out on his BS.
This is a time for both of you to work on your own recovery so that you can become stronger, healthier individuals.
Stick around, we care about you!
__________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
Trina Paulus
Hope for the Flowers
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Yesterday, 10:38 PM
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#15 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 140
If a person were to lay a hand on me, all I'd be thinking of was how to get him back....I dont get it where a man, cowardly beats up a woman and she runs back to his arms??? This is beyond no logic/common sense,and seems a type of surreal addiction in itself...the 4th Stage is a walk in the park compared to this madness.
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Yesterday, 11:02 PM
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#16 (permalink)
Community Greeter
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 2,699
Quote:
Sadly, my urge to return to him is completely normal. Not only do most women not seek support once they face violence, a lot of them continue the relationship exactly as it is. I am insisting changes happen, and wanting to see if we can see this through... What makes this whole thing even harder to swallow is that I am a social work student, and volunteer in the court system offering emotional and legal support to women exploited by violence or sexual abuse.
I have already seen, and will continue to see a counselor.
My boyfriend has moved out. and will not be moving back into this house. nor will he be sleeping over, sleeping with me, I dont even plan to speak with him very often right now. I realize i have a lot of work to do.
i can't bring myself to do what it is you all think I should. I know it sounds like suicide to want to continue the relationship. but that's what my heart wants or believes
I want to try. I want to help him with his alcohol problem and what I need help with is how to support him through detox.
is there any advice out there about how to support him? i'm open and it wont hurt my feelings if someone wants to tell my im ******* psycho. But some real advice on how to support him, and be sure hes following through would be appreciated.
A
Normal? There is nothing normal about wanting to return to a man who beat the crap out of you.
There is nothing normal about excusing someone's abuse with a "disease".
There is nothing normal about wanting to help someone through detox and battle their inner demons...that's codependency.
As a social work student, you should be studying this kind of stuff. If not, please read Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. And Under the Influence to start with. Talk with your professors about this. Find a good counselor with an addictions specialty.
This guy has a long, bumpy road ahead of him. I am sorry you are going through this, but you owe him nothing for "being there for you". That's what people do in intimate relationships. They are there for each other. Until one beats the crap out of the other; then all bets should be off!
Take good care,
~T
__________________ Do or do not. There is no try. Yoda
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Today, 01:00 AM
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#17 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Wenatchee, Wa
Posts: 17
I read a book while I was still with my husband. It's called "Out-witting your alcoholic" I checked it out at the library. In there it said that an alcoholic doesn't do something in a black out they wouldn't normally do or want to do. In example driving, cheating, eating, ect. Your best deffence against this horrendous disease is offence. Arm your self with as much information as you can before you even think about taking him back. I'm also currently reading a book called a "Second chance" I would read both of these.
Also getting sober on his grandparents farm is not a treatment facility. He can have a seizure if his alcoholism is far advanced. He needs therapy, and he needs to learn the tools to help him stay sober.
Honestly are you sure he isn't lying now? He pulled it off for a year while living with you. Please be safe.
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Today, 01:58 AM
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#18 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 46
Quote:
Sadly, my urge to return to him is completely normal.
It is not normal, but is the "norm" for certain personality types in certain specific situations. For other personality types it is definitely neither normal nor a norm.
Quote:
What makes this whole thing even harder to swallow is that I am a social work student, and volunteer in the court system offering emotional and legal support to women exploited by violence or sexual abuse.
What emotional support and legal advice would you give to a woman who came to you and described a situation like the one up above in post #1?
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Today, 04:49 AM
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#19 (permalink)
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Delran, NJ
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One of the hardest and most important lessons I had to learn in my recovery was to give my AW the dignity of making her own choices and following her own path.
It is not up to you to decide for him whether or not he chooses to be an alcoholic, only he can make that decision.
I became much more sane when I decided to focus on my recovery. I still have compassion for my AW but I now accept that I am neither strong enough nor wise enough to make those decisions for her.
Your friend,
__________________ Mike
Serenity is just being me.
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Today, 08:31 AM
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#20 (permalink)
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: kelowna bc
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I'm not saying that its normal in an acceptable kind of way; just that I am clearly very codependent on him and the fact that I am so urged to just work this out and forget about the beating is a typical response for a woman in my position.
Again, he has moved out of my house and is now on his 6th day sober and plans to attend AA meetings everyday starting today. I also plan to go to alanon and have already seen, and will continue to see a counselor through my school.
We have only seen each other once since this happened, and it was for a very short time. We do not talk on the phone more than once a day, and only to say "Yes I'm fine, I love you"
His treatment and recovery are his own. As are mine. I realize I cannot decide to do it for him, and I cannot keep him sober, and I am risking further heartbreak by pursuing this. what I am not risking, is him being physical with me anytime soon because he is not even welcome to step foot in my house until he has seriously changed himself.
i have a long, bumpy road ahead of me. I have a lot of work to do for myself before considering him and his needs.
BUT
i love him and I plan on giving this a second chance assuming his treatment and recovery go well. and while we are apart and working on ourselves I want to learn about his disease, for both our sake, and do what I can to see him recover and come back to me. Unrealistic? fine, but that is my choice right now.
I believe in change.
I cannot simply throw him away while he is sick and helping himself. I will not.
but I have absolutely taken steps to begin my own recovery, and make sure he is somewhere he can be supported and loved by people who are not me.
A
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Today, 08:49 AM
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#22 (permalink)
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Quote:
and do what I can to see him recover and come back to me.
I went through this as well with my AW. What I found is that when I continued to think this way I was keeping my focus on her and us, not me.
For me to get better I had to be selfish and focus on me. She was sick but to be honest so was I. I was at least at sick as she was. For me to heal I had to focus totally on me. If we were to be together it would happen, if not then that was that. Whatever the outcome step 1 was to get better. I couldn't waste time worrying about what might be.
Your friend,
__________________ Mike
Serenity is just being me.
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Today, 09:02 AM
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#23 (permalink)
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Mike has a point - because we can't tell the future - we are only assuming it will turn out the way we want it to be. That's called "future tripping" in AA and Al-Anon. And its often a disaster in the making. Why? Because this is addictions, not diabetes. It's a disease of the mind. And its a very selfish disease. There may be a little voice in his head that feels bad for beating you up, but the bigger and more dominant voice in his head wants to use more.
You came here asking for advice, and it is obvious you didn't get what you came for. But I hope what you do get will be considered, because the combined experiences of the folks on this board is lengthy. I remember wanting to be one of the very few who "beat the odds", find recovery, and stay together living happily ever after. That my husband would magically change and become the man I just knew he could be. I just knew it was possible. But you see, that's me wanting things my way.
Your boyfriend is a grown man - let him find his way. Go on with your life and find out why you have codependency issues. Focus on you, let him focus on him, and believe me, there is much more to be revealed.
__________________ Do or do not. There is no try. Yoda
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Today, 09:02 AM
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#24 (permalink)
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I'm scared.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
Im grateful for every comment on this thread, I have so much to consider. the definition of compassion is "to suffer with"
And need to focus on myself right now. But I can still have faith? There are exceptions right?
Hes not always going to be bad?
I feel psycho.
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Today, 09:05 AM
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#25 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: kelowna bc
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Quote:
You came here asking for advice, and it is obvious you didn't get what you came for. But I hope what you do get will be considered, because the combined experiences of the folks on this board is lengthy. I remember wanting to be one of the very few who "beat the odds", find recovery, and stay together living happily ever after. That my husband would magically change and become the man I just knew he could be. I just knew it was possible. But you see, that's me wanting things my way.
I might not get what I want here, but I do feel I am getting what I need. Having my dreams of living together happily ever after crushed is what I need to hear and know may happen.
this is going to be a hell of a journey.
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Yesterday, 03:51 PM
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That is a surprisingly brutal assault you suffered. For me, that is a deal breaker. Were you hospitalized, suffer any serious hurt? I think you might look into seeing a counselor or therapist qualify in violence against women. You might look out for PTSD symptoms.
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